This blog post was probably the most difficult to write in a long time. A few weeks ago I started writing a post summarizing my last four years of school, and how my perspective has evolved in that time. I spent a few days eagerly jotting down what emotions I wanted to convey in my post and some important notes I wanted to hit. Finally I sat down and started writing only to find that I was completely stumped. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. I spent the next couple of weeks like that. I had no will to write my graduation blog post and I didn’t know why.
Fast forward to this morning – the day of my graduation. I picked up my gown and waited with the crowd of other graduands, irritable and feeling rather despondent. I didn’t want to be there. I even thought about just leaving. I could just leave right now, I thought. Skip the whole graduation entirely, and spend that time by myself instead. Ultimately I made the decision to stay. Amidst the blur of smiling faces and best wishes I started to drill down into my own head and figure out why I felt so down on a day meant to celebrate my accomplishments. I felt stupid when the realization finally hit me – I was nervous about the future.
I think part of what took me so long to figure this out was the fact that I try really hard to fall into the trap of being afraid of what the future holds. I recall in my first year that I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those graduates who felt ‘lost’ after graduation. That I would have a general idea of what direction I would be headed towards once I finished school. And I did, for a time. But it kept changing and changing – right up until this morning. More importantly than that though, I knew from an abstract sense, that being lost sometimes is inevitable. I thought knowing that fact was enough, but I was obviously wrong.
So I knew I was nervous about finishing school. Okay. What now? I would continue with the graduation ceremony and hurry on back home to continue with the rest of my day alone.
Most of the convocation was pretty dull. I wasn’t really interested in the speeches given by the university. Towards the end of the last speech, however, to my surprise the speaker said something that made the entire graduation ceremony worthwhile.
“You’re privileged to be feeling uncertain.”
In the end I feel that this is the best possible blog post I could have put out today. A vague collection of words that reflects how I truly feel in the wake of my graduation – uncertainty. And it feels pretty great.
Scripted Journal 