two thousand eighteen

one way or another, a lot is going to change this year. I’m going to be completely honest with you – I’m very scared.

there are a gazillion sayings about life and change that I’ve heard all my life. Hell a lot of them I’ve regurgitated to others when I felt they needed to hear them, but they never mean anything until you’re actually in that situation, you know? Like, you’ll read a quote decorated in some stupid artwork on the internet that makes it look really pretty. You’ll think ‘oh that’s really meaningful’. But it’s only when you’re in a situation where that quote really truly applies when you read it and think ‘yeah okay I get what they’re saying’.

when people (like me for example) say stupid shit like ‘change is a part of life’ all haphazardly WHEN NOTHING BIG IS REALLY CHANGING it makes me feel super unprepared for times like this when big changes are just on the horizon.

point is I know that change is inevitable – I’m still scared. I still feel like I’m not ready for what’s to come. Or that I won’t ever be ready.

i think what makes it worse is that I’m second-guessing myself every step of the way.

I’m grateful for all of the opportunities I have ahead of me. however I’m burdened by choice. Out of everything I could do I’m not sure what is I want to do.

then there’s what happens after i pick. what if it doesn’t work out? what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be? but if I don’t make a decision then what if all my opportunities are lost? what if the chances I have now are the only chances I get?

then of course there’s the biggest source of my woes. I don’t want anything to change. i really like the way things are now. why does all that have to change? what if things end up being worse?

after putting my worries into words and seeing them exist on my screen, they’re obviously rather irrational. of course things are going to change. the future is always uncertain, but i think i have all of these apprehensions because this is one of those rare moments in life where I really have no idea where my life is headed. when I look at it like that, I can’t help but feel excited. after all, even the heroes in grand mystical adventures  get lost sometimes. and even then, it’s less about the choices they make and more about how they deal with whatever the journey has to throw at them as a result of those choices.